You’re having an awesome time at your toddler’s playgroup, catching up with your mom friends while your little one plays and socializes. Then, out of nowhere, your precious angel hits one of your mom-friend’s kids. (Wtf?) Embarrassed and frustrated, you apologize to your friend – and little James – as you scoop up your toddler to leave.

You have a million questions. Why did my kid do that? Is it my fault? Can I ever show my face at playgroup again? And most importantly: What can I do to stop my toddler from hitting?

Don’t worry. As frustrating as negative toddler behaviors like hitting can be, you’re not alone. Keep reading to find out why many toddlers hit – and what you can do about it.

Is hitting normal for toddlers?

To keep it simple: Yes, toddler hitting is totally normal. In fact, many toddlers go through some kind of hitting phase, no matter how awesome their parents are. So, if your toddler has started working on his MMA moves at the playground, that doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong or that your child is doomed to a friendless childhood.

However, hitting is still a harmful, not-so-cute behavior that will get progressively less cute as your little one grows. That means, you’ll definitely want to address it now rather than later. Since you’re here, (hi!) I’ll take that as a sign that you’re ready to nip the hitting habit in the bud.

So, let’s get started!

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Okay, so why do toddlers hit?

Before we get into positive discipline strategies to help you deal with hitting, let’s chat about why toddlers hit in the first place. Here are 4 of the most common causes and triggers of toddler hitting:

1 | Anger

Maybe you told your little one no more TV tonight and they retaliated with a quick smack. Or maybe another child tried to take your toddler’s toy and your precious angel said nope – with their hands.

Here’s the thing: Toddlers lack communication and self-regulation skills. Without these important abilities, your little one is going to use whatever strategies they can think of – including hitting – to get what they want, whether it’s another episode of Daniel Tiger or their stolen toy back.

The solution isn’t to expect your toddler to magically mature and “get over it” but to teach your little one how to deal with their anger and get what they want in a more positive way. (But more on that in a bit!)

RELATED: 5 Ways You Can Help Your Toddler Cope With Big Emotions

2 | Curiosity

Toddlers are brilliant social scientists. So much of their weird, seemingly random behavior stems from their need to answer endless variations of the question: “What happens if I do this?”

For some children, hitting is an interesting way to experiment with cause and effect. They learn, Oh, wow, if I hit my baby sister, she makes a really loud sound! What happens if I hit Mommy? Oh, cool, Mommy makes a loud sound too! You can sometimes tell that your little one is a Curiosity Hitter if they smile, laugh, or “think it’s funny” to hit someone. 

Just know that it’s not malicious. Your toddler is just trying to learn how the world works! That being said, it’s still important to help your little one learn how to do their social scientist thing without hitting.

3 | Sensory Seeking

Sensory seekers don’t hit because they’re mad at you, or wondering what will happen if they hit. Rather, they’re seeking out the physical feedback – the sensory experience – of hitting. If you have a sensory seeker on your hands, you’ll likely notice them engaging in other sensory-seeking behaviors as well.

Your child might crash into furniture or people, purposefully throw themselves down on the ground, or run their toys into the wall – just to mention a few examples.

This cause is much less common than the first two, but it’s worth mentioning because (1) it often goes ignored in the conversation about toddler hitting and (2) sensory seeking requires a different approach to solve the problem. (Hang tight for the specifics!)

4 | Developmental Phase

Don’t forget your little one is still only a few hundred days old! In addition to the triggers mentioned above, your toddler’s developmental stage in and of itself contributes a ton to the hitting phase they’re going through.

Here’s why:

Toddlers are ego-centric & don’t really ~get~ empathy yet

Developmentally speaking, toddlers are ego-centric. As far as they know, the world revolves around them, and it will continue to for several years (until about age 7). Toddlers are also pretty weak in the empathy department. They don’t yet have a great grasp on how their actions impact others. They may be able to see the effects their behaviors have on others, but they aren’t able to genuinely empathize with others’ experiences yet.

Toddlers don’t always know how to “use their words” to get what they need 

Toddlers are also in the (very) early stages of learning how to communicate. Even more talkative toddlers often lack the words they need to cope with everyday social situations. Not to mention pre-verbal toddlers who can’t yet “use their words” at all! That’s where hitting can come into play. When children don’t know how to express their needs or solve their problems with words, they may resort to less kosher methods like hitting.

Hitting is typically just a phase – but you can help shorten it

This is just a little sneak peek into toddler development and how it relates to hitting, but hopefully this information gives you a better idea of some of the skills – namely, empathy, communication, and problem-solving – we’ll want to start working on with your toddler to stop the hitting!

Ready to learn more? Keep reading!

How To Stop Toddler Hitting (Using Positive Discipline)

Need a refresher course on positive discipline before we get started? Check out The Beginner’s Guide to Positive Discipline For Toddlers to learn the basics!

1 | Stay Calm

Remember that whole thing about toddlers being social scientists? If your toddler hits and you come in hot, they’ll learn that hitting is a great way to ~make something happen~ and get a reaction out of you. You know what that means? More hitting. So, as hard as it may be in the moment, stay calm.

Use a low voice and calm body language while you address your child and try to keep the whole event as unexciting as possible. (It’ll get easier with practice, promise!)

2 | Defuse the Situation

If your toddler hit another child, check on the other child first. Comfort them and make sure they’re okay. This is important for the child who was hit, but it’s also a helpful way to model kindness for your little one. Once you’ve done that, calmly pick up your toddler and remove them from the area or lead them by the hand to a quiet space nearby.

3 | Keep Your Explanation Simple

Your 1 or 2 year old really won’t understand a complex speech about right and wrong. Keep it simple: “Hitting hurts. We use gentle hands.” Remember to use a calm, low voice, and model gentle hands to help them understand what they can do with their hands instead of hitting.

(Btw, some people prefer the term “gentle touch” – honestly, say whatever you want, just be consistent!)

4 | Prevent Hitting: Teach Them What To Do

If you know that your toddler is going through a hitting phase, you can learn how to prevent their hitting – at least most of the time. Look at your child’s triggers. When do they hit? Is it when they’re playing with their baby cousin? Or when they’re at toddler playgroup? Maybe it’s when you tell them no.

Whenever your child’s unique triggers are present – whether it’s a specific time of day, environment, person, situation, or anything else – make sure you’re close by and ready to respond to the first signs that your child might hit. Again, you’ll get way better at recognizing your little one’s “tells” as you spend more time actively observing them. 

When you notice your toddler getting frustrated or acting like they might start swinging, calmly intervene. Here are a few things you can try: 

• Help them name their feelings – “It looks like you’re feeling angry that Lucas took your toy.”
• Teach them how to handle the situation in an age-appropriate way – “You could tell Lucas, ‘Toy back, please,” or you can come ask me for help.”
• Model healthy coping skills if your toddler is still heated after solving the problem – “When you’re feeling angry, you can try walking away and taking a break. Let’s practice!”

5 | Address Your Child’s Needs

The previous strategies – used correctly and consistently – will help most toddlers work through their hitting phase fairly quickly. Of course, every child is different. If your toddler has no real change in behavior after using these techniques consistently, they may need some extra help to ditch the hitting.

Here are a few things to consider:

• Attention: Does your toddler ever look over at you to make sure you’re watching before acting out? They might be hitting to grab your attention. Attention-seeking has gotten a bad rap, but everyone needs attention sometimes – especially toddlers. Instead of punishing your little one, make an effort to connect with them more often each day, giving them your full, undivided attention. Children who feel more connected to you are less likely to engage in negative behaviors like hitting. (You can still use the above strategies in the meantime!)
• Sensory Seeking: Think about whether your toddler tends to hit “for no reason” or if they regularly engage in other sensory seeking behaviors, like crashing into things or spinning. If you think your little one is a sensory-seeker, the trick to get them to stop hitting is actually pretty simple: Teach them to give a high five instead! Like any behavioral change strategy, this one can take a little while for your toddler to pick up, but over time this simple tip can make such a difference!
• Discipline: Every child responds to discipline techniques differerently. If you’ve tried using these strategies for awhile and your child still doesn’t really ~get~ that hitting isn’t an option, you may want to set up some additional consequences for their behavior. And no, you don’t want to start spanking your child when they hit someone (how counterintuitive is that?) But you may want to consider removing your child from a fun situation – like a playdate – if they hit. This can help children learn that when they hit someone, the fun stops. 
• Empathy: Developing empathy won’t happen overnight. But you can help your toddler out by talking about your feelings regularly (“I’m so happy to see you this morning!”), identifying your child’s emotions (“It looks like you’re feeling disappointed right now,”), and predicting how other people might feel (“I bet Jack will be excited that we saved a cupcake for him!”)

6 | Praise Positive Behavior

Don’t just respond when your child does something wrong. Look for – and praise – positive behavior too! Praise is a form of positive reinforcement. So, when you tell your toddler that they did something good, they want to do more of it. Pretty cool, right? Here are some things you can say:

• “Wow, you were so gentle to Ava!”
• “Thank you for sharing your playdough with me. It makes me so happy when you share.”
• “I heard you ask Cole if you could have a turn with that toy, and he said yes. That’s so awesome that you used your words!”

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Don’t Forget!

Sure, hitting’s not super fun to deal with, but with a consistent, drama-free approach, you can help your toddler ditch the hitting habit before you know it. Just remember to take a deep breath, stay calm, and follow through. (You’ve got this!)

♥ Meg

PS. Questions? Drop them below!