How to Get Your Toddler to Listen (Without Yelling)

Feb 28, 2020 | Tod Tips

Simple, everyday tasks – like getting your toddler dressed in the morning – can feel impossible when your little one just won’t listen. How are you supposed to make it out of the house in time for work when your toddler won’t even cooperate long enough to throw a shirt on?

There’s no way around it: You need your child to listen to you.

But at the same time, you don’t want to rely on yelling or other ineffective, fear-based “tricks” to get your little one to comply. So, how can you get your toddler to listen to you – and cooperate – while making parenting choices you can feel good about?

Well, even though toddlers aren’t really known for their robust listening skills or cooperative nature, there are a few things you can do to encourage your little one to listen better and cooperate more often.

Keep reading to learn a few simple, practical strategies to try with your toddler today!

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14 Simple Ways to Get Your Toddler to Listen (Without Yelling)

1 | Get down on your child’s level 

Yelling at your child from across the room isn’t really a respectful form of communication – and it isn’t effective with little ones, either. Instead, walk over to your toddler and get down on their level when you need them to listen to you. Make eye contact, and then start talking. 

This will help your child (A) feel cared for and respected, (B) pay attention to you while you’re talking, and (C) actually hear your words and understand what you’re asking them to do. This is also one of the healthiest communication habits you can teach your child, so don’t skip over this one – it’s important! 

2 | Speak calmly and respectfully

When you really need your toddler to listen to you, your instinct might be to raise your voice and use a serious tone. Your child needs to know that you mean business, right?

Well, actually it’s much more effective to use a soft, calm voice and a light, positive tone with your toddler. That way, you avoid triggering your child’s stubborn I-don’t-have-to-do-what-you-say complex. This will also encourage your little one to cooperate – no power struggles required.

3 | Use simple instructions

Not to state the obvious, but your toddler is little. Like, really little. At this age, your child is learning how to follow simple one- and two-step directions. You can help them out by using simple, age-appropriate directions.

For example, “Walking,” is 100x better than “Don’t run or you’ll fall down, and then we’ll have to go to the hospital, and you’ll miss story time at the library, and then you’ll be so sad!” When in doubt, keep it short, sweet, and to the point to set your child up for success.

4 | Offer choices

During the toddler years, children begin to view themselves as unique individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, likes, and dislikes. In a practical sense, that means that everyday situations – like getting dressed or eating dinner – become opportunities for little ones to assert their independence (and show defiance).

Offering age-appropriate choices is a good way to encourage your toddler to cooperate while supporting their increasing need for independence.

 

To help your child be successful, choices should be…

  • Simple: Offer basic, either-or choices, like, “Striped shirt or unicorn shirt?” to avoid confusing or overwhelming your child.
  • Acceptable: Both options should be acceptable – no trick questions or “wrong” answers. If you offer your child a choice, you should be prepared to accept whichever option they choose.
  • Developmentally-appropriate: Your toddler isn’t capable of making high stakes decisions yet. So, offer choices that are age-appropriate: Blueberries or banana slices? Hold my hand or sit in the stroller? You brush your hair or I help you?

5 | Give warnings

You’d probably hate it if your boss walked up to you, ripped whatever you were working on out of your hands, and then demanded that you start working on a new project right this second. Well, your toddler feels the same way when they’re busy building a block tower and then – out of nowhere – you show up, tell them to put the blocks away, and go sit down for dinner right now.

You can help your little one cooperate more often by giving them a warning (or two) before it’s time to move onto the next thing. By giving warnings, you can help your toddler feel more prepared and in control of the situation, reducing transition-related drama and frustration.

 

Here are a few examples…

  • “We can play for 5 more minutes. Then, we’ll eat lunch!”
  • “We have time for one more thing before we go home. Do you want to go down the slide or the swings one more time?”
  • “After we read this story, we’ll turn the lights out and go to sleep.”

6 | Don’t ask if it’s really a tell

Okay, real quick, what’s wrong with this sentence: “Can you please sit in your car seat, honey?” 

This is a classic. It’s a “tell” disguised as a question. When you use this kind of phrasing, you pretty much guarantee that your child will treat your direction like a choice: “No!”

Set yourself up for success by clearly stating your instructions – “It’s time to get in your car seat,” – and saving the questions for a scenario where you’re open to input. Don’t get me wrong. You can still be respectful while giving your child instructions. And you can still offer your little one choices (“Do you want to help with your buckle?”) But do be clear when you’re talking to your little one – is this an ask or a tell? 

7 | Describe the problem

Here’s a trick I like to use with older toddlers: Instead of telling your little one what to do, try describing the problem and encouraging them to come up with a solution.

For example… If your child leaves their blocks scattered all over the floor, you could say something like, “Uh-oh, your blocks are still out.” You might be surprised to see your toddler start cleaning up without being explicitly asked! If your child doesn’t take the hint, feel free to throw a few more observations their way – “The blocks need to be put away before we can play with something else,” or “Someone could trip over these blocks and get hurt. I wonder how we could make this area safer?”

Obviously, this strategy won’t work 100% of the time, but it is a good way to help your child learn critical thinking and problem-solving skills – and it can help your little one start to take more responsibility for their actions.

8 | Follow through

When a toddler consistently struggles with listening, the root of the problem is typically either (1) Ineffective communication or (2) Lack of follow-through.

So, if you’re already communicating with your child in a clear, toddler-friendly way, here’s the next thing to consider: Are you consistently following through on what you say you’ll do? For example, if you tell your child, “We use gentle hands. If you hit your friend again, we’ll need to leave,” then you have to follow through on that consequence if your toddler hits again.

Always remember to respond quickly to help your little one connect the action to the consequence – and only threaten a consequence if you’re 100% willing and able to follow through on it. 

9 | Try the one word trick

Do you ever get tired of telling your little one what to do all day long – wash your hands, find your shoes, eat your toast – to have them just ignore you 90% of the time anyway? 

There’s nothing wrong with giving your child these kinds of directions, but you might find that your toddler starts tuning you out after a while. Every now and then, it can help to use the one word trick. So, instead of telling your child, “Wash your hands,” try simply saying, “Hands.” Rather than saying, “Find your shoes,” try, “Shoes,” and so on.

Pro Tip: Try pairing your one word reminder with a gesture or other visual cue for best results!

10 | Use positive language

Making sense of negative language – Don’t run! Don’t hit! Don’t put that thing in your mouth! – is actually a very complex skill for young children. So, when you say something like, “Don’t jump on the couch,” it’s more likely that your toddler is only hearing that last bit: “Jump on the couch!” 

Additionally, telling your child what NOT to do leaves it up to your toddler to figure out what they should do instead. Since your toddler doesn’t have the best judgement yet, it’s much more effective to use positive language to tell your child what you want them to do, rather than what you don’t want them to do.

 

For example…

  • “Don’t run!” → “Walking.”
  • “Don’t hit!” → “Gentle hands.”
  • “Don’t put that in your mouth!” → “Here, chew on this teether instead.”

11 | Wait for it…

Sometimes, we think children aren’t listening to us when, really, we just haven’t given them enough time to (A) hear us, (B) process what we’re saying, and (C) respond. 

So, slow down. Wait. Count to 5 (in your head) and give your little one time to think and respond before repeating yourself. See what happens!

12 | Model listening skills

At the end of the day, one of the best ways to teach your child to be a good listener is to show your child what it looks like to be a good listener. You can do this by paying attention to your little one when they’re speaking, modeling active listening skills, and letting your child know that you value their thoughts and ideas (even if they’re mostly babbles right now).

Children learn primarily by observing and mimicking the adults in their lives, so don’t underestimate the importance of modeling positive, healthy communication habits for your child.

13 | Play listening games

Like walking or building a block tower, listening and following directions are skills that can be learned and improved upon. Playing listening games is a great way to help your child build these skills!

 

Here are a few ideas you might like to try at home…

  • Sing action songs, like “Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes” and “The Wheels on the Bus” and practice doing the movements together
  • Play “Simon Says,” starting with very simple directions and gradually increasing the difficulty
  • Take a walk and encourage your child to name some of the sounds they hear
  • Play “Red Light, Green Light” to practice following simple directions
  • Set up a simple scavenger hunt for your child at home, encouraging them to follow your instructions to find each item
  • Sing songs and read stories together every day to build language skills and concentration

14 | Be realistic

Let’s be honest: Your toddler is not always going to listen to you or cooperate. That’s just the nature of the toddler years! In reality, your child isn’t doing anything weird or wrong when they ignore you or do the exact opposite of what you just asked them to do – although it can definitely be frustrating.

This is, for better or worse, just normal toddler development.

So, try to remember that this whole phase – the not listening, the lack of cooperation, the defiance – is normal and temporary. In the meantime, these tips should help you establish healthy communication habits, teach your little one listening skills, and encourage cooperation (at least most of the time!)

Until next time!

♥ Meg

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