If you want to raise a responsible, well-behaved child without relying on punishment, shame, or threats, you’ll definitely want to give natural consequences a try.
When you step back and let your child experience the natural consequences of their actions, amazing things can happen. Over time, your little one will learn that their choices have an impact.
If they refuse to wear their mittens outside, their hands will get cold. If they throw a favorite toy down the stairs, it will break.
Because natural consequences don’t require you to do anything but step back, they’re a great way to encourage better behavior without inviting a power struggle.
Wondering how to use natural consequences with your toddler, or when you should use natural consequences instead of an alternative strategy? Keep reading to learn more!
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What are natural consequences?
A natural consequence is what happens when your child does something and you don’t intervene.
If your toddler forgets to roll their sleeves up before washing their hands, their sleeves will get wet. That’s a natural consequence. If your child throws their crackers on the floor, they’ll miss out on their afternoon snacktime. Natural consequence.
Natural consequences vs. logical consequences
A close relative of the natural consequence is the logical consequence. If your child repeatedly throws their blocks at the wall, you might put the blocks away until your little one can play with them safely. That’s a logical consequence.
See the difference? A natural consequence will occur no matter what, assuming you don’t step in. A logical consequence, however, requires that you initiate and enforce the consequence. Both natural and logical consequences can be immensely useful positive discipline strategies. It just depends on the situation!
While natural consequences aren’t always appropriate – if your child runs out into the street, you would obviously want to step in – it’s a useful technique to add to your positive discipline toolbelt.
When to use natural consequences
Your toddler needs your help and guidance to keep them healthy and safe. That means that natural consequences won’t always be appropriate in every situation.
If your child refuses to put their coat on to go outside, are you okay with them experiencing the natural consequence of their actions: being cold? Some parents are, and some aren’t. Maybe this is an acceptable natural consequence if it’s just a breezy spring day, but not so much on a snowy day in December.
Ultimately, you get to make the call whether a natural consequence is appropriate or not. As per usual, use your best judgment!
For example…
In my decade working with toddlers, I’ve caught A LOT of little ones tossing perfectly good toys in the trash.
While you could let your child experience the natural consequence of this – losing access to the toy – I personally don’t think the natural consequence is acceptable in this situation. Toys are expensive!
Here, I would calmly explain that toys don’t belong in the trash, then help the child rescue the toy from the trash and wash it in the sink. (That’s a logical consequence, by the way, in case you’re keeping track.)
Here are some more examples of natural consequences…
- Olivia leaves her painting outside → It rains overnight, and Olivia’s artwork is ruined
- Teddy hits his friend Oliver during a playdate → Oliver gets upset and refuses to play with Teddy for the rest of the afternoon
- James throws his special toy and breaks it before Show and Share time at preschool → When it’s James’ turn to share, he doesn’t have anything to show his classmates
- Elise deliberately dumps out her glass of milk during dinner → Elise doesn’t have any more milk to drink for the rest of the meal
- Taylor doesn’t put his Lego tower away after playing → Later that day, Taylor’s dad accidentally steps on the Lego tower and breaks it
Why should you use natural consequences?
Natural consequences help children gradually develop responsibility without forcing a power struggle.
While punishments (like time-out) pit parents against their children, natural consequences help children connect their behavior to the result of their actions.
Because of this, children begin to understand that many of their actions have predictable – and often preventable – consequences. In short, allowing your child to experience natural consequences can help them learn to manage their behavior more effectively as they grow.
How to use natural consequences with your toddler
1 | Be reasonable
Natural consequences should be age-appropriate and fair. An 18 month old might splash water all over their clothes. That doesn’t mean you should let them sit in wet clothes all day!
If your 4 year old purposefully snaps all their crayons in half, however, it might be fair to wait a few days to replace them. Actions have consequences, and this consequence seems reasonable for most children this age.
Think about situations in which natural consequences make sense for your child, and situations that might call for a different approach instead.
2 | Be respectful
Try not to lecture or shame your child when they make a mistake. This can actually prevent your child from learning from their experiences and, in some cases, can lead to mental health problems over time.
Instead, let the natural consequence do the work for you. After all, you’re not teaching your child about the consequences of their actions. The consequence itself is the lesson.
When your child is dealing with the emotional fallout of a natural consequence, treat them respectfully and model empathy. “The rain ruined your painting overnight. You must feel really disappointed – you worked hard on that painting. Would you like a hug?”
3 | Don’t rescue
This step is crucial. If you constantly jump in and rescue your child from the consequences of their actions, they won’t learn.
So, if your little one throws their toy against the wall and breaks it, don’t rescue them by immediately replacing the toy. In situations like this, “rescuing” your child simply deprives them of a valuable life lesson. If you don’t take care of your belongings, they may break. Then, you won’t be able to play with them anymore.
If backing off is a struggle for you, count to 10 if you need to! Your little one will ultimately benefit from being given the time and space to make mistakes and learn from their experiences.
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